Just add water! And maybe a few roaches…
This morning, my housemate sent me a link to a fascinating New York Times article about bringing New York to you when you can’t go to it (“Just Add Roaches”). The title comes from instructions to order in pizza for dinner Saturday night, and when you’re done, release live cockroaches into the box. Apparently they’re available online for as little as $19.95 per ten. And I’m assuming they’re reusable.
Now it goes without saying, nothing beats actually getting away for a weekend and seeing a new place, but it does make you wonder. What other popular tourist destinations can one replicate with a little creativity when unable to make the journey? So here’s my list, and I welcome more thoughts.
*Caveat—The following flagrantly and intentionally employs bad stereotypes. But for the record, I’ve only chosen cities that I’ve been to or lived in, and hold a special place in my heart. Still, if you’re easily offended, you might want to skip this one altogether!
1) Boulder, CO—(the lovely town I call home). Go to the nearest gym and sit outside with an organic tempeh sandwich on sprouted wheat bread and organic kombucha tea while you do yoga poses and meditate. Pretend all of the hard bodies entering and exiting the gym are your neighbors. Call a few of them “bra” and talk about the last wicked pow you boarded and the next 14er you’ll be climbing. Pretend every car that passes is either a Subaru or a Tesla.
2) Houston, TX—(as a native Texan, this one’s easy). Save some of those cockroaches you used when recreating New York, and just scatter them around the house to bolt when you turn the lights on. Next, turn the heat way up (even if it’s already summer) and keep several humidifiers going until the relative humidity is near 100%. But not quite. Wouldn’t want it to actually rain and cool things off. Now lie languidly in your bathtub filled with cold water, and dream about living in an igloo. Get in your one-ton dually and drive two blocks to get a chicken fried steak or barbecue. Be sure and stare at any pedestrians or bicyclists you may pass along the way like they’re from another planet.
3) Bangkok, Thailand—See instructions for recreating Houston above, except instead of cockroaches, release a bunch of tiny ants and a few little lizards. Now order out or carry out a meal from your favorite Thai restaurant, and when you get it home, add the crushed pulp of 10 super hot peppers to everything, and repackage each dish into a plastic bag tied off with a rubber band. When you actually eat, pretend you haven’t just singed all of your taste buds off, and can actually still taste and enjoy your food. Now go outside and breathe deeply from your car’s tailpipe while it’s running, and call it a lovely evening. To really cap things off, go to a store riding a motorbike piled with a family of five (your own, or borrow one if you’re single), find a pair of cheap sunglasses, and bargain with the shop owner for an even better price. When he refuses, walk away shaking your head while muttering about jacked up tourist prices.
4) Seattle, WA—Stand in the shower fully clothed and pretend you’re sight-seeing and enjoying it. Later, have a friend throw a big raw fish at you while yelling loudly. Next, go to your nearest Starbucks, down 3 espressos, and be liberal and enlightened while you quiver.